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I have now officially known that I have Aspergers Syndrome for a little over 25 months. I was diagnosed October 30^th of 2007. Having a diagnosis hasn’t really changed much for me other than the fact that I now have a reason and a label for the way in which my life has been.

As I reflect on things in the New Year, I am thankful for the fact that I am alive…however there are a lot of things that make life challenging for someone with Aspergers Syndrome. I really believe that having Aspergers Syndrome can in some ways be more painful than having autism. With Aspergers people don’t often see or realize any of the problems you are having.

The title of this article “From the Outside Looking In” comes from the fact that with having Aspergers Syndrome I often get to see all of these amazing social interactions that other peers my age are having but I don’t get to participate in them. It’s like looking through a glass window and seeing people mingle and make friends and connections with each other or even like watching a soap opera on TV. I can often be sitting in the same room as other individuals and see them socializing with one another but not know how to make myself fit in. I wonder “What’s my role in this social situation?” What should I do or say?

After feeling left out or behind by my peer group for so many years, I often feel like I’m not a real person with real feelings. Sometimes it’s easy to get the idea that you’re just a “thing” to your peer group. While I have to admit there are many older adults who appreciate and like me for who I am, getting people who are my age to like me is not an easy task. I haven’t yet figured out why it’s easier to get along with older adults. The most frustrating part of this is that whenever I’m down and depressed about being rejected by people and peers…these older adults say things like, “well, we like you or well, you do have some friends”. Yes, I do know this and I really appreciate that but you have to understand that it’s just not the same level of friendship or connection. I can’t connect with a 40-year-old the same way that I can connect with another 24-year-old. What I am saying is I can’t have the same level of friendship with a 35-year-old married couple as I can with 24-year old guys or girls who aren’t married. I mean the 40-year old married couple isn’t going to be up for going out with me every Friday and Saturday night.

I believe that everyone has their own peer group of people that they hang out with. When you have Aspergers, gaining peer approval is difficult and extremely challenging. Another problem I have is that life is all about social networking it seems. I mean, I can’t tell you the last time I heard someone say, “I got this job because I knew how to do this or I was good at doing that”. Most of the time I hear people say, “I got this job because so-and-so worked there and put in a good word for me and got me the job”. So it seems like even success in the workplace is more based upon who you know and not what you know.

There have been quite a few things going on recently. My dream and only wish for the New Year is to have a girlfriend or at least be able to talk to a girl. This seems like such a simple task for someone and indeed it seems to be for so many guys. But for me it’s hard to even say hi to a girl or get to know her without making her mad. I have read book after book on social interaction and dating and sill no success. Apparently it’s just something that I’m not able to understand to do having Aspergers. I guess I have to be okay with that.

The frustrating part is just recently, I’ve seen stories about Tiger Woods. Tiger, you would think, had it all: fame, money, great career, endorsements, everything, right? Well, unfortunately I feel that Tiger did indeed have everything he needed but he didn’t even realize that he had it. And it wasn’t any of those things I listed. In my opinion, Tiger didn’t need fame, money, endorsements, or a great golf swing to be happy. All Tiger needed to be happy, was his wife Ellen and their kids. It seems as if Tiger somehow forgot that they even existed though. The thing that is frustrating to me is I’m someone who would appreciate even getting to dance with a girl or go on a date with a girl, or to just be in a picture with a girl, or to just hold her hand, and here is Tiger Woods—he’s already been there and done all of those things and he’s even married and has a wife and kids and now he needs more than one woman? Supposedly there are 9 or 10 girls who had an affair or something going on with Tiger and my question is, “why?” It’s not only “why” to Tiger, but “why” to every one of those girls who had affairs with Tiger.

All of this really started to make me think, along with other things that I know. Each one of those girls who had an affair with Tiger Woods, I’m sure, knew who he was and that he was married. Why didn’t that stop them from having an affair with him? Apparently the fact that Tiger is able to go out and have an affair with anyone he wants to even while he’s married makes him more attractive to other girls and even more attractive to his wife, Ellen. Last I knew, she was still with him and hadn’t field for a divorce yet. With this being said, and the fact that I personally know of a few guys who say they’ve been with over 100 women, I am very scared and confused.

With everything mentioned above, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not about who you are at all in life, it’s about what you are and what you have. Girls are attracted to what you are and what you have and not so much who you are. Did any of those girls actually know who Tiger really was? Did they know anything more about him than the fact that he’s a good golfer? With that being said, I’ve learned that one does need money, fame, looks, power, and a selfish personality in order to get girls to like him and there’s no room for nice guys who would do anything for the girl. On top of this after liking girls over and over and being told thing like, “Well, I’ll give you my number if you buy me this,” or “Give me 300 bucks and I’ll have coffee with you,” I’ve just began to understand that I’m not a real person. I’m just a thing to girls; just nothing but a thing in their life. I’m tired of being a “thing” and would like to be a person in their lives.

One can only wonder if it would be different if I didn’t have Aspergers Syndrome. I assume I could be like all the other guys such as Tiger Woods who know how to be and get what they want but then I wouldn’t really be a person either I guess. All I know is, I would like to know how to communicate who I am to girls I like and be seen as a person as opposed to a thing. Maybe one day there will be a cure for autism and Aspergers Syndrome but until them, I’m going to keep trying to learn how to be seen as a person by them and not as a thing.